An alliterating, disjuncted rambling

Intrigued by someone, one faces indecisiveness whether to show interest or to worry for one’s image that what if one might come across as imposing. The ego privileges indifference and the id is subdued.

Phew, it perturbs one what if to pursue and persist, is perceived as to protractedly pester—one might as well be passive, pass over and be at peace instead. Perhaps, people just ought to be caught up in their perfectionism, the balanced blend of professionalism, politeness and pride; and put out any flicker of possibilities. How then one ought to be prudent personally? It’s paradoxical. Period.

And as for another paradox, periodically though, the pensive pessimist in one, ponders on positivity. Irony indeed.

Chained by culture, its codes, the human some day shall be asphyxiated by the strangles of the society. The silver lining remains that I shan’t stay alive to see such and such sight in the century to come by.

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If only to be clear and aloud about one’s intentions was easy, and mutuality was not so infrequent; if only we could speak our mind and hearts out, life would be so beautiful.

Of Unkept Grand Promises; Trust and Skepticism

I knew a man who’d cast doubts on me for I wouldn’t readily make promises. The only thing I was sure of was my love for him, but not when and how things would unfold for us. I accounted for changes and uncertainties of life and would not entirely do away with skepticism.

He, however, was different. He was sure that we were meant to be, or so would he say. He made grand promises and claims of being tied to just one person alone for the rest of his life, quite early on. He would dismiss my apprehensions if I would have them ever. Eventually he had me put all my trust in himself, more than what I accorded myself. And that’s where I made the biggest mistake. I believed that there was this man, I would grow old with and be in love with forever.

But as life would have it, here I am years after he well demonstrated the emptiness of his words, still feeling love for him that I can’t possibly explain. So ironical, that those who didn’t make promises kept them, and those who did, forgot about them altogether. World is indeed full of contradictions I have now learnt. But, damn, words ought not to be used so carelessly. I am not sure what it was: his short-sightedness or deceit in his nature, or both.

To love someone is one thing, but to trust your own self, your own instincts, and reason is of foremost importance. Never do away with skepticism. Keep it in the background, because the moment you realise the trust is not honoured, its breaking should not break you. If your skepticism is intact, however surprising, it will not seem like an impossibility that makes you delusional.

Anyway. So never ever trust anyone more than you trust yourself. Also, because when it’s broken, you might just find it very difficult to trust anyone again. And then living and feeling become not so bearable. Trusting someone is important. When you trust another, you feel at ease. Life becomes a breeze. How much would I want to be able to put my trust in someone, gosh.

So make sure those who took you for granted, and hurt you, who’ve led to so much distrust in you, cease to exist for you, for once and all. Make them vanish, poof! And then with a deep long breath, hit the final nail in the coffin, as you bury their remains.

Hope for positive. Indeed something new and special, with someone more genuine and real, who respects your trust as well your skepticism, will follow through. It will. It will, once you have thorougly done away with any preoccupations with an undeserved past.

To a fresh start!

Signed: February 11th; a date I have remembered so far and will remember again for undoing it all.

The Fever and the Cure

Recently she was stricken with the fever of ‘first love’. The memories of the beloved and an unexplainable belief in being uniquely designed for togetherness, was burdening her chest. And she was struggling to breathe. Her emotions were swelling, and she was overcome by them, weakened, vulnerable. Yet, what remained in her cells was the somatic memory of surviving the heartbreak, and the traumatising separation. Her survival instincts kicked in and so did the need for self-preservation. Since the medicine was out of her reach, being in possession of someone who imposed a certain inaccessibility; she resorted to an alternative therapy: self-contentment, and giving up part of one’s agency to destiny with faith that it will have something better in store for her. It marked a slight shift in her course of therapy which predominantly used indifference and distractions as the drug earlier — one that often resulted in a withdrawal symptom if one was not careful with the dosage.

Well, she’s good now; cured. But yeah, one’s got to admit that ‘first love’ is indeed both a fever and a burden, as someone once said.

K Drama, Hailstones & Rain | The Weekly Smile – 02 |04/08/2019

So it was Saturday, and having finished some work pending on my plate, I sat binging on my first South Korean TV series, Hospital Ship. It’s was a nice watch. Made me cry and smile a lot. And it’s so hard to fathom how these Koreans manage to look so young, almost ten years younger than their age (talking of adults of course!).

And as I continued to binge, suddenly around 2 pm in the afternoon, it got all dark. I stepped out to get a feel of the cool breeze which in no time turned into an aggressive storm. While I picked up clothes from the drying line, I saw plastic-bags fluttering and soaring high like hot air balloons. I quickly went back in to put away the clean laundry and shut the windows. And when I came back it was already pouring. The heat evaporated, as the shower dampened the soil and in the momentary humidity rose the scent of the earth. Mesmerised by the petrichor, my mind felt at ease, my eyes closed and I took in deep breaths filling each of my lungs as much as I could. I felt more alive at that moment. Before one could absorb it all in, I heard a rumble of thunder, and  I shuddered for a split-second. With that sound now in distance, I heard tramplings atop the metal roofing nearby. Hailstones the size of blueberries fell to the ground, melting as they touched down. I stretched out my hand cupped to catch some. But the rain was freezing and I fled back to the shade right after I caught a single hail which I slipped into my mouth. It literally sent a chill down my jaw. I was reminded of the simpler times when as a kid I would gather a handful and eat them without a thought. But the present seemed too beautiful to dwell over scenes from the past. Everything looked rejuvenated. I smiled looking at leaves now washed to hues of green from the previous dull tones.

And from where I stood, I saw a bamboo pole – water kept splattering from the niche at the node. I had never seen this before. And that prompted me to pick up the pencil. I couldn’t stop smiling again as I effortlessly drew that sighting later that evening.

3/25/19

But

It’s not often you come across
Someone who mirrors you so much –
Whose thoughts and emotions
Resonate with you as much.

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And yet, they let it go,
You let it go –
Because it doesn’t come easy.
Because distance you know.

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And in doing so we ignore –
Humans have for long known
To cover the difference, both in
Space and time.

आशा

“ तह से उबर रही है आशा…

ऐसा लग रहा है मानो,
छट रहे हों मेघ काले |
अँधेरी गहराइयों से जानो
पकड़ कर तैरती डालें,
और कुलांचते हताशा,
तह से उबर रही है आशा |
सतह पर उभर रही है आशा ||

~ ओशिन विप्रा सागर ©

---

Translated:

The feeling is as if
the clouds are shifting
And from the depths of darkness
holding onto floating twigs
skipping over despair
reemerging is the sunk hope,
resurfacing is the sunk hope.

~ Yours truly
OVS

Of Missed Weekend

So it is weekend again, and I am happy because I feel better about myself. I am not where I wish to be or where I was supposed to be, but I am ahead of where I was yesterday. It’s not reason enough to celebrate but it is reason enough to smile. And wherever one might be in life, there’s always enough reason to ramble over a beverage of one’s choice! And this week I am offering my spin-off Americano.

I am not where I wish to be or where I was supposed to be, but I am ahead of where I was yesterday.

It was on Saturday evening that I wrote the above bit and shut my laptop. Then I laid down, fiddling with a mirror, trying to see my impacted third molar which was troubling me all afternoon. The pain had scaled up from mild to medium, and all I could think of was my tooth! I was restless and so was my tongue which moved all around the buccal cavity, and soon it was bruised with contacts from the premolars and canines. And then I stopped. But the tongue was relentless until I called it a day. (You perv, don’t read much into it!)

Rewind to Thursday. It was Rama-Navami. And I accompanied my mother to a Homa hosted on the banks of river Kosi. Unlike most Homas, there was no priest. People had their own troughs. And simultaneously fire was consecrated in each, invocations were offered to deities, followed by chanting of mantras, and some exhilarating kirtan. It is believed to facilitate positive thinking, and subsequently performing good karma. The ambience was serene; it brought about a sense of much needed calm, and positivity.

Then it was Friday, I wanted to watch something. I hadn’t watched anything in months, and I wanted to watch something that makes me feel good – not something that demands seriousness or/and leaves me disturbed at the end; neither did I want some lame lewd comedy. And I tell you, the Universe is at work! Like the time when I was gifted ‘Furiously Happy’ and it was what I needed to read the most; just like that I found the movie I needed to watch the most at this point of time! So I was rummaging through my cinema library on the external drive, and there it was – the first movie I considered out of the 750+ entries – ‘It’s Kind of a Funny Story’. And it was so befitting – it felt as if it was my story, except I am still trying to bounce up. Craig was much resilient though. Nonetheless, it was assurance that I am not alone and ‘I (too) can’.  Also reaffirming was when Dr. Minerva, an ER psychiatrist refers to the Serenity Prayer while counselling our protagonist Craig, and it felt like through Minerva and Craig, the Universe is reaching out to me, telling me to keep calm, to let go of my anxiety.

Lord, grant me the strength to change the things I can
the courage to accept the things I can’t,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr