Disclaimer: It is inadvisable to try something like this since it is a work of some extreme wishful thinking. Chances are one is going to fail miserably and even if things do take the turn you wish them to take, they shall still be too good to be true.
This feeling is so good that I don’t want to hurry things up and scare him away, though sometimes I ask myself if I already did. This seems meaningful, for reasons I am yet to comprehend. I want him to take his time and realize that I truly deserve him. Being patient is the best thing to do. I believe the wait is going to be its worth.
I want him to know that I am not someone who will throw herself at him like many others he comes across. Not saying I have never done that. Of course, I have. After an emotionally wrecking heartbreak from a seven years long committed relationship, followed the moments of vulnerability and desperation, and I gave in to those. Having lost stability, faith in love and readiness to handle something substantial, I did make mistakes, or have my share of fun whatever it may be called, inadvertently though. I am leaving all that behind me.
Having explained that and keeping it aside, talking of his eyes now. For heaven’s sake, someone tell me how can someone have such beautiful pair of eyes. (I know it has been overdone. Everyone talks about the eyes of people they admire.) But, seriously! That look in his eyes makes me hopeful that something extra-ordinary awaits round the corner. Until then, I am choosing to be content with just a glimpse of him embedded vividly in my mind. His adorably shy and to-die-for smile is assurance enough to stay away Tom, Dick and Harry’s! Phew! I can’t believe he has such an effect on me. He is too good to be true, to exist and to have really stood right in front of me, next to me, once, twice, and thrice that all of it seems like just a figment of my imagination.
I don’t even know if my feelings are ever going to be reciprocated. If at all he could even sense anything, I have no clue. Maybe, not. One must never get their hopes too high that when it comes crumbling down, we are unable to come up from underneath the debris of false hope. I am overthinking. I think life happened to me, way too early. It’s not my age yet to be skeptical. It’s just sad how cynicism beckons upon us with maturity. Hah, I would rather be a kid, without much to be responsible for.
Getting back to the point. Just waiting for a generic correspondence from him, makes me sleepless. Yes, cliché, I know, nonetheless true. Just a glance of acknowledgement from him sufficed to make my day and was probably the best thing that happened to me in months. Obviously it didn’t mean anything to him. Probably that is how he is, gentle, polite, kind, chivalrous; a fine gentleman in all situations and to everyone. But to me it brought the sweetest feeling in the whole world. Maybe he is just that sweet to every girl or every living being for that matter. Yet again, I found his every gesture irresistibly adorable and to me it meant much. Ah, that ‘appears-to-be dimple’ of his is quite something! (Well, I am not sure because I didn’t look at him long enough to see properly, when I well could have. Yes, I was too nervous, however unlike me it may sound!)
The ladies’ man that he is, probably he already gets way too much attention than he can handle, so he might not even be nudged by mine. And here I am totally bowled over by this effortless charmer. I found great deal of happiness when in fact he only said the most normal thing to say.
It has been years I have felt this way about someone, since I have been head over heels about someone. I am sure this is nothing like recent experiences of wanting someone on just surface-level, for momentary gratification. This is something special. I feel like a teenager all over again, with all those ‘skipping-a-heartbeat’ feelings rather than the pounding of heart and raging hormones expected of the adulthood. It ought to sound foolish what I am about to say. I think I am falling in love, truly and madly so. (One sided of course.) In the past few years, I have lived in denial of cheesy, corny, mushy, sweet nothings-fancying side of me. I had shut out that side of me, but this boy! Good lord, he brings out the hopeless romantic in me!
And for once, I have fallen for a guy before knowing he is either in love with me or cares way too much for me. So yeah, the possibility of me being in love with ‘the idea of being in love or being loved’ is ruled out, which I have been accused of in the past. And I truly admire him for who he is and not because he is showering me with any attention. He definitely isn’t. Not a fraction. I only wish he did, or does now at least!
And finally, I am not going to reveal who he is, neither am I going to go confess to him. (Sounds childish, so be it.) If it is meant to happen and if fate holds something in store for us, he will find his way to me. (Nah, I am not a believer of destiny. If he is observant and sensitive enough, which I am sure he is, he must have sensed something, and, if at all he feels the same way as well, I am sure he is smart enough to make an effort, which would mean he will try to get to know me through means available. And in that process he will check out my blog, by extension of which he will read this. And when he does, I know he will know that it is him who I am talking about.) “And boy, when you do, please write something for me, and I will write something back for you and so forth, until we can’t hold it anymore before either of us finally call the other up. Let’s play a game of hide and seek. Just a humble request.”
It is not like I don’t have the courage to tell him or I believe a guy should ask a girl out. I am the last person to believe in stereotyped gender roles. But I have had my share of initiating talks, dropping hints and prompting actions. I am already being upfront about my feelings, clear and loud. The message is out there, grab it he may, if he pleases.
This time, I want to be heard without having to speak, and be loved without having to be touched. Nah, I am not looking for a platonic thing. I am very much looking for that raw passion, but to be followed by baring of layered emotions than skin first.
I have no idea whatsoever, how I got smitten in no time. It is unbelievable. Matter of minutes if I have to be honest because seconds would be an exaggeration. But holy mother of God, minutes!
I can only hope to be heard, understood and wanted as much as I await him to be that special someone in my life. Hope! Yes, it is my drug of choice, the most addicting one of all, as somebody has put it.
I am waiting, indefinitely. (Indefinite doesn’t mean forever, it just means indefinite.)